overtaken by undeserving l0VE

[fer-giv-ing]

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 02:15:23 -0400

forgive [fer-giv] - verb: to cease resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.

-dictionary.com

in my sinful nature i think that the act of forgiving someone for something, no matter how long ago an action was done or how wronged i felt by a person, was always something i struggled with and brush it under my blankie named denial.

i would try to, somehow, convince myself that i’m not bitter or angry but, naturally, i fall short on my own. however, lately God has been deteriorating my blankie and making me face my bitterness, anger, resentment, (etc). it’s been a pretty painful process, change is never easy.

through prayer, scripture, and good counsel, i definitely think that the things that i’ve held against other people, the amount of wrongs i felt was done against me, or the selfish desire for an apology doesn’t even begin to measure up to how much God has forgiven me or how i’ve wronged God so much more than other people have wronged me.

something that stuck out to me was a quote from Rose Marie Miller’s book, From Fear to Freedom:

“By forgiving us, [God] changes our past. By promising, he secures our futures. By his grace we participate in his power to change the past and control the future. We, too, can forgive and must forgive. We, too, can make a promise and keep it. Indeed, by having these two divine powers, we become most powerfully humans and most wonderfully free.” -Lewis B. Smeeds, “Forgiveness: The Power to Change the Past” in Christianity Today.

i’ve read this book 7 months ago and it’s not like this book rewrote itself within the 7 months haha but it was the denial that covered my eyes from reading this clearly because i never thought that i’d have to ever face it and forgive others to their faces. But now i get an opportunity that not every one has which, is to do as i say instead of saying and not doing.

the beauty of the gospel is that it’s not short lived but it’s ongoing.

better myself

Sun, 17 Oct 2010 16:49:37 -0400

i seriously need to stop being so lazy and start managing my time better. whether i have to lose sleep or be alone and keep myself away from my phone or computer to do work..i need to do it.

i think im getting pretty depressed with my weight now. and im going to start going to the gym, no matter how much time i don’t have to work out, it’s just an excuse i give myself because the amount of time that i waste attempting to study can be time used to work out. it’ll just have to be subtracted from my sleep.

im tired of settling .. i want the best and be the best that i can be because even if i don’t reach whatever it is that im trying to reach, i can say that i’ve tried.

i need to keep up with my qts and biblical readings.

i need to fix myself before i can do anything else.

[♥ ?]

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 01:00:00 -0400

sometimes i wonder why..

it’s so hard for me to love, when all i want to do is love, because i am loved.

why, it’s so hard for me to forgive, when all i want to do if forgive, because i am forgiven.

i pray that my heart would be transformed from bitterness to love.

thank you for Your..
   mercy:
   not get-
   ting what
   i deserve

&&
grace:
getting
all that
i don’t
deserve

Your ♥ is so amazing.

the time is in your hands.

Mon, 04 Oct 2010 10:28:09 -0400

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

closure

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 19:59:00 -0400

~~uncertainty~~

~~hope~~

~~“what ifs”~~

~~butterflies~~

~~heart beating out of my chest~~

~~hurt~~

thanks.

just one of them days

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 23:19:21 -0400

have you ever had one of those days where you don’t want to do anything but, you drag yourself to do it anyway then, end up not going or even doing anything? yeah today was that kind of a day for me. i did absolutely nothing and enjoyed watching mindless tv and just relaxing.

i don’t want to say that today was a complete waste of a day, even though it may seem like it, becauseeeee in the mist of all the craziness that i’ve been forced to put aside, i’ve been able to reflect on some of the decisions that have been pressing at my heart to be made and somethings that i need to change about myself.

i think that i have a lot of spunk, too much sometimes..i honestly don’t even know where that courage comes from because after i’ve had time to think about what i’ve done or said, i hit myself and think about how mean or how i could have worded it a different way for someone to understand where im coming from or why i did what i did. maybe my filter in my brain is broken, or maybe im done being fake or sugar coating things to make it appeal better to the ear and am trying to be accountable. whatever it is, im sorry if i’ve hurt you but lets do each other a favor and be real with each other.

in matthew 5:37 we are called to be decisive people and whatever else that veers away from either yes or no, is derived by the devil or the evil one.

heartache

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 15:27:24 -0400

my heart hurts, not because it’s broken, nor is it over a boy but i feel like lately the spirit is moving mountains in my heart. this weekend at the restored conference, i was reminded of how much i suck. but how its okay because through the grace & mercy of God , it’s ultimately covered.

sometimes, i hate myself for all the decisions that i’ve made in the past and other times, i can truly thank God for those dumb mistakes and regretful decisions that i’ve made because i feel like if i didn’t go through losing friends, who were ultimately my idols, or experience the pain of emotionally falling, then i would still feel like i’d have to work for my salvation and never be able to do so, then never really find the need for the gospel because it’s too late.. when in reality it’s never too late.

it’s funny how yesterday, i heard some stuff about what people say or think about me, based on who i was even last year, and how i can really stop myself now and take the time to pray for those people’s hearts not just for the sake of myself but to really be able to experience what i am able to now. I think normally if i heard people talking about me, i’d be a baby and cry about it or try to fix it on my own, and want to know what and who said those things but now, i can really turn to God and lift up a prayer to him and really ask him to help me. I don’t want to know what people say or think about me because that’s up to them and i’m not going to find my worth in words that come out of their mouths. All i can really do is fall to my knees and pray, i can’t pray that my past will disappear but i can pray that God will give me strength to own up to what i’ve done and use my past to build who i am today. yesterday, i was reminded that “the Gospel saves, the Gospel changes”

i can only pray that i can be someone who convey’s God’s love to others just by them looking at me. i know that i need to love those who are hardest to love because i am loved by God. I am the hardest to love and if God can love me, i can at least try to love those i claim to hate and to be gracious to those who irk me because God has shown me tremendous amounts of grace.

PJames RT PaulTripp : “God’s timing is always right. He never gets things out of order. He never gets things out of order. He’s never too early or too late. He always responds at the right moment.” all i can say to that is AMEN.

im not ready. iono when i'll be ready. all i know is that im not ready.

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:16:00 -0400

edit

i think i’ve been reminded today, not that i am not reminded everyday, that i am truly loved by God. it’s amazing to think that i didn’t go to class on friday because..well simply put, i was lazy and i haven’t stayed out late, like i did the night before, in a long time, and yet i had no work to make up or no late work to hand in. i was so nervous going back to school after the weekend and felt the anxiety attacks coming back but everything was extended for this week and it seriously reminded me that He covers me.

i think that i have a lot of deep rooted sin, no wait scratch that, i know that i have a lot of deep rooted sin and i believe that my selfish desires and my self justifications are clear indications from God that He clearly works in my conscious. i don’t want to be that person who stops doing these worldly things because i am told not to but have those desires lurking in my heart because then i really am not killing those desires, im becoming more bitter. i want to stop doing these things because i have no desire to go to those places or do certain things.

i honestly think that putting off worldly desires and putting on Christ-like traits is something that i know in my head but act differently with my heart and i think they constantly battle with each other, which i think that im counseling myself but sometimes i just want to see radical change in just the way i act or even think that im almost trying to change myself for myself and working to achieve that which means that im ultimately setting myself up for failure. I think that i need to learn to depend on God more and depend less on myself.

for me, a lot of times, i find myself wanting to see radical change instantaneously but that just proves that i live by sight and not by faith. i know that in God’s timing my conversations will be heard to those who are willing to hear it and all im doing is planting seeds. God is the water, the soil, and the sun…i receive the seeds from God so technically, without God there is nothing.

i want to be broken, humbled, and molded into a woman of God. i want to mature in the gospel and be gentle. and until then, i am not ready to dwindle into a worldly relationship. i need time to heal and grow in the gospel. i know and trust in the Lord that He is good and has someone planned for me. i need to be patient and work on my relationship with God. i know that at times i will feel lonely, jealous of couples holding hands, and looking through pictures on facebook but i’ll just have to wait :P

so right now i think its safe to say that my heart is closed to the public in the sense im in a relationship with God and need to work on one relationship at a time. but my heart is open to friendships :) i actually think that i need to have a good community in which we could lead each other closer to the gospel. now i understand the saying we are who our friends are. i know that i need to be a better influence to my friends and that i can’t do that on my own but by what God has given me, i am able to show love, be forgiving, and extend God’s grace.. So that through me, people could see a little snit-bit of God’s love, His grace, and His mercy.

Praise God.

start of something new

Sun, 29 Aug 2010 14:35:45 -0400

thank you God for opening up so many windows of opportunities for me. for the first time, in a long long time, i am not losing sleep over how anxious i am about the new school year or what lies ahead of me. i think it’s safe to say that i am leaving my life in your hands and know that whether good or bad, this was in your plan. i have faith that you are good and love me ever so dearly.

tomorrow is the start of classes, the start of my half marathon training for 12 weeks, and the start of intensely studying for the GREs.

speaking of GREs, i am not too sure in which direction the good Lord is leading me, whether i want to take a year off or jump right into it. i hear a lot of feedback from people who take a year off or go straight into grad school. maybe it would be good for me to take a year off and really find myself. i think i know, generally, what i want to do with my life and what i’ve been called to do but perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea to just rest.

i can’t wait to start getting back in shape! not because i’m insecure about the way i look but because working out and running were a big part of who i was. and what perfect way to get in shape by prepping for a marathon. i think this marathon is a huge commitment and goal that once it’s achieved, it would be freaking awesome! and a huge accomplishment!

i feel like for the first time in a really long time, that things are going well. i’m counseling myself, trusting in God, working on my relationships with friends, and genuinely happy. i’m not waiting for some thing crazy to happen nor am i dreaming about a fantasy. i think what i want and where i want to be is very practical and realistic.

philippians 4:6-7 <3

what lies ahead

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 11:06:00 -0400

this semester is going to be a crazy one, considering that i survived a crazier summer, i am motivated to take on what lies ahead.

it’s always been on my bucket list of things to do before i die to run a marathon. considering that i haven’t really trained for something like this like ever and that im very much out of shape…i’ve entered into the philly half marathon :) it’s 13.1 miles and this even takes place, november 21st. there’s a 12 week program that i’m going to do starting august 30th which is also the day i start classes and need to start really studying for the GREs.

i’ve dipped into the GREs a little bit for the past couple days and so far, i think im close to stupid. i really need to work on my vocabulary. maybe i’ll start doing crosswords or something on my free time, which i highly doubt that i’d even have. the next two semester that lie ahead of me are going to be death but hopefully well worth it.

it’s funny because i feel like this year is going to fly and usually i dread the upcoming school year. maybe because it is my last year..hopefully at temple.

philippians 4:13 <3

Photo

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 18:42:00 -0400

pfc 2010: He Covers Me

Rookie Class '10

trifecta in george ella

george ella cabin

so long sweet sweet summer...

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 18:30:00 -0400

when i think about all that was done this summer, i can’t help but smile. i am truly blessed to have survived this crazy summer and therefore i am truly thankful for all that was accomplished.

lets take a look back shall we:

may 6th: i took my last final, went to work, had community group, and some crazy people wanted to watch iron man 2, which btw i slept through the whole thing HAHA.

may 10th -14th: i literally drove to the airport 5 times this week, got a failure to stop at a stoplight ticket driving down from jfk to tcnj to make a graduation, the best part was that i made it right when his name was being called. God is good.

may 16th - 17th: stayed up all night, went to church, went to the airport, boarded then passed out on my way to korea!

may 17th - june 24th: i went to korea for the first time in 14 years. i would only go back to buy everything in the hello kitty store! i think i ate neng myun like everyday and shopped everyday. i read and kept up with my readings for ctp through my commutes

june 25th -26th: my first ctp meeting in quakertown, pa. i lost my voice, met the most amazing people ever and was jet lagged like no other!

june 28th: first day back to kumon again.. jet lagged like no other

july 6th - august 5th: summer session II begins.. inferential methods and psychology as a natural science at temple university 9am - 12:15pm monday through thursday! i missed a week of classes so that i could go to the second week of PFC. i ended up with a B+ and A- :D

july 16th -18th: road trip to boston! first time ever in boston too bad it was raining all weekend ish, boston to nyc to philly pheww!

**it was death driving to temple from newtown then on mondays and thursdays driving from temple to warrington where kumon is. i think i could have lived in my car considering the amount of time i spent driving everywhere.

in between this time, a 16 or 17 year old girl rear ended me but i let her go because it was a small scratch and i didn’t want to be the one to ruin her fresh driving record.

july 30th: moving out of my house at temple & ctp banquet

july 31st: prayer night

august 1st - 5th: non-stop studying for 1 exam, 1 final, 3 papers, and 2 hw assignments.

august 7th: probably my first big car accident, my poor baby tl got towed away :(

august 8th - 14th: CAMP <3 i love camp, i don’t care about the bugs, well maybe a little but i can’t wait to go back next year :) i felt and sometimes got treated like a camper but none the less it was the most blessing time of my life ever.

btw every weekend that i didn’t list, i was either at donny’s or danny’s for ctp :) but i wouldn’t have wanted to be any where else :P

going through counselor training and camp has really truly made this summer for me this year. i’ve learned a lot about my self this summer and although i may have lost a couple things this summer..like my 4 wisdom teeth!, i’ve gained so much more.

i’ve made up and caught up with one of my old friends this summer, and maybe it was time that was needed in our relationship but that time has helped us both grow and really heal our sore hearts.

the transition from seeing camp staff of 2010 everyday to maybe once a week is saddening but i am thankful to have met every single person. i think i’ve learned so much through my brothers and sisters in Christ. i love every one and can’t wait for next year, not saying that we won’t have mini-adventures before! and i can’t wait for cindy’s wedding! EEK :)

moving forward, i hope that i can apply what i have learned this summer and grow in a deeper relationship with God and never ever feel like i’ve out grown the Gospel. i pray that i can be thankful for every event that God has in store for me and really keep me from being bitter.

the theme this year was : He Covers Me. its funny because i knew what the theme was before i even decided to do camp this year, yet it didn’t click until i was at camp. that’s when all my insecurities, all my coverings, and all my inadequacies were exposed. at camp, i think i was the most vulnerable and sensitive. it’s amazing because even through my weaknesses God uses me to glorify his kingdom. I still struggle with acceptance of my friends, other people, and my family but i know that i am unconditionally loved by God, i just have to start trusting and applying that love. Hopefully by next year, my emotions will be more stable and i wouldn’t find my worth in my campers. Also to apply the theme before going to camp! haha. **i’ll probably dedicate another post to camp 2010 but here’s a little taste :)

God is so good.